The Cullen Cats!
by xoxoFromRussiaWithLovexoxo
Summary: What if the Cullens were all cats? What crazy adventures would they have? Just a little something me and my friends thought up of. Hope you guys like it. Warning: Contains A LOT of randomness. Don't die laughing please. I don't like signing paperwork. LOL
1. Chapter 1

**The Cullen Cats**

**Chappie 1: Plans**

A/N: ok this is my 1st story so plz be nice! Anyways, the Cullens r all cats that have many weird adventures. Everyone in Forks is a cat so ya….Its really funny I promise!

**Disclaimer:** I own nada. Alice: What's nada? Me: It's Spanish 4 zero u moron. Alice: Oh, I thought it meant pizza…. Me: Freaking weirdo. Alice: Ur mean!

Esme: Ok kittens, Carlisle and I are going to the movies. We won't be back till 1 a.m.

Carlisle: It's gonna get FUNKY!!!!!!! Word!

Alice: Well good luck with that!

Edward: Bye mommy.

Emmett: *snickers* Stupid mama's boy.

Carlisle: Lata my peeps! Fasizzle!

Rosalie: Its foshizzle.

Carlisle: Ugh whatever!

Alice: Party time!

Bella: Oh no!

Edward: Oh my!

Emmett: Woot woot!!!

Rosalie: What is this, a play?

Jasper: *sighs* I'll pass.

Alice: Oh no you don't! We're all in this together!

Jasper: Stupid pixie! Why did I marry you in the 1st place?

Alice: Cus you love me!

Bella: Point!

Edward: *spaced out* Huh? What happened? Where's the fire?! OMG!!! FIRE!! Bella, I'll save you! *grabs Bella and jumps out window*

Rosalie: That was random.

Emmett: And I thought I was the crazy one…

Alice: Let's just start by inviting people. *cough* I mean cats.

Jasper: *sigh* Whatever.

A/N So? Whadaya think? Hope you liked it. My friend and I just thought," What if the Cullens were cats?" And so I came up with this. There are going to be 9 chapters in all. Tell me if I should keep writing. No bad reviews please!

Sasha (Jasper4ever)


	2. Chapter 2

**Cullen Cats**

**Chappie 2: The Party**

A/N OK let me clear some stuff up. The Cullens are still vampires. Carlisle is all gangster cus well I thought it would be funny. And this story is supposed to be random! That's why its funny. Thank you to my fav. person xxxxxRenesmeeCarlieBlackxxxxx for adding this story to your favorites and for reviewing. You are super nice and awesome! So are you twilight-82195!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Twilight… Jasper: Or or or! Me: What are you, a seal? Jasper: You were supposed to say or any Lady Gaga songs used in this chapter! Me: Well the REAL Jasper is sooo much cooler than you! Jasper: *flips me off* Me: I do not own ANYTHING!!! Happy! Jasper: As a clam!

(At the party…)

Mike: Nice party Bella!

Bella: It's not my party stupid.

Mike: Okay…I love you!

Edward: Die! *kills Mike*

Jessica: Awkward.

Bella: *cricket*

Jasper: Bella its time for Truth or Dare!

Bella: *screaming* NO!!! Help me! SOS!!!!!!! *gets dragged away by Jasper*

Alice: Okay gather around my fellow cats! I want nada complaining! *grins at me smugly*

Me: *sarcastic* Wow! So she finally knows what nada means!

Rosalie: Go away.

Me: Whatever. *disappears into the abyss*

Emmett: Oh oh!!! Me first! Okay I dare Bella to jump on a table and sing Poker Face by Lady Gaga!

Bella: NO!!! I hate that song! Edward help me!!!!

Edward: *sleeping* Zzz…

Bella: Stupid vampire/cat!

Alice: Well get on with it!

Bella: *jumps on random table*

_Mum mum mum mah  
Mum mum mum mah_

_I wanna hold em' like they do in texas, please  
Fold em' let em' hit me, raise it baby, stay with me  
Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start  
And after he's been hooked i'll play the one that's on his heart_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh  
I'll get him hot, show him what i've got  
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh  
I'll get him hot, show him what i've got_

_Can't read my, can't read my  
No he can't read my poker face  
(she`s got to love nobody)  
Can't read my, can't read my  
No he can't read my poker face  
(she`s got to love nobody)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face  
(mum mum mum mah)  
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face  
(mum mum mum mah)_

_I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be  
A little gambling is fun when you're with me  
Russian roulette is not the same without a gun  
And baby when it's love, if its not rough it isn't fun_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh  
I'll get him hot, show him what i've got  
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh  
I'll get him hot, show him what i've got_

_Can't read my, can't read my  
No he can't read my poker face  
(she`s got to love nobody)  
Can't read my, can't read my  
No he can't read my poker face  
(she`s got to love nobody)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face  
(mum mum mum mah)  
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face  
(mum mum mum mah)_

_I won't tell you that i love you  
Kiss or hug you  
Cause i'm bluffin' with my muffin  
I'm not lying  
I'm just stunnin'  
With my love-glue-gunning_

_Just like a chick in the casino  
Take your bank before i pay you out  
I promise this, promise this  
Check this hand 'cause i'm marvelous_

_Can't read my, can't read my  
No he can't read my poker face  
(she`s got to love nobody)  
Can't read my, can't read my  
No he can't read my poker face  
(she`s got to love nobody)_

_Can't read my, can't read my  
No he can't read my poker face  
(she`s got to love nobody)  
Can't read my, can't read my  
No he can't read my poker face  
(she`s got to love nobody)_

_Can't read my, can't read my  
No he can't read my poker face  
(she`s got to love nobody)  
Can't read my, can't read my  
No he can't read my poker face  
(she`s got to love nobody)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face  
(mum mum mum mah)  
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face  
(mum mum mum mah)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face  
(mum mum mum mah)  
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face  
(mum mum mum mah)_

_P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face  
(mum mum mum mah)  
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face  
(mum mum mum mah)_

Emmett: *laughing hysterically* OMG!!! That was sooo funny!

Edward: *also laughing hysterically* Your right! I don't think I've ever seen anything so funny!

Bella: OH! SO NOW YOURE AWAKE!!!!! *beats Edward up*

Edward: *screaming* Help! She's gonna kill me!

Jasper: Haha! We should play Truth or Dare more often!

Alice: You got that right!

A/N Ok I hope that was funny enough for you guys. Just so you know, I will be on A LOT! It's summer after all. I'll try to post a chapter every day, but if I don't please don't be mad! Oh and I will include the wolves in this story. They will make an appearance in 2 chapters. 3 for Jacob. The pack is going to stay as wolves, not cats but they will not be changing into humans. Now that I've gotten that cleared up, read and review peoples! And please be nice!

Sasha (Jasper4ever)


	3. Chapter 3

The Cullen Cats

Chappie 3: Revenge

A/N Yay! I'm sooo happy that people actually like my story! Thank you to xxxxxRenesmeeCarlieBlackxxxxx and Jazz1843XD for sending me super nice reviews! You guys are awesome! Okay, if you thought the 2nd chapter was funny, wait till you read this! I promise you shall be laughing A LOT!!!!!

**Jasper: **Sasha is currently out shopping so I will do the disclaimer. Random Crowd: Boo! Jasper: Shut up or I'll eat you! Crowd: *cricket* Disclaimer: Sasha owns nothin'.

(Jasper and Bella conversation)

Bella: Do you think it will work?

Jasper: Yes no maybe so.

Bella: Emmett is gonna really get it! *laughs evilly*

Jasper: Why did I even agree to this anyway?

(Back to Truth or Dare)

Jasper: Emmett, truth or dare?

Emmett: Dare!!!!

Bella: You sooo should not have said that. *laughs*

Jasper: Emmett I dare you to eat 20 pounds of candy, and then go to La Push.

Emmett: I HAVE TO WHAT??????!!!!!!!!

Bella: Oh and make sure the wolves are there!

Emmett: *cusses in Swedish*

(At La Push)

Emmett: YAY!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOGURT!!!!!!!!! YOGURT ROCKS MY SOCKS!!!!!!!!!!

Bella & Jasper: Oh he's hyper all right.

Bella: Hide! The wolves are here! *they jump into bushes*

Jacob: What the hell are you doin' here leech?

Emmett: I LOVE YOGURT!!!!!! DO YOU LOVE YOGURT????!!!!!

Sam: No…

Seth: I think he's on sugar high.

Jacob: Since when are you sooo smart???!!!!

Seth: I wasn't stupid in the 1st place. Plus it's kinda obvious.

Jacob and Sam: Oh…..

Emmett: YOGURT!!!!!!!!!!!

Jacob: Bleh! Yogurt sucks.

Sam: Eww…….

Seth: I kinda like it…

Sam and Jacob: Weirdo.

Emmett: _Yeah  
First off hit the groove, let the music play  
Next stop everybody, its time to celebrate  
Bady go so lets go show, make the genes you got become real  
Let's do this, let me hear you, now show me how you feel_

Start, start, start the party  
Come on, come on everyone  
Let's start, start, start the party  
What you waiting for now?  
Start, start, start the party  
Come on, come on, live it up  
Let's start, start, start the party  
I know you never gonna wanna stop

Stand up and do the dance, the way you do  
I-I- can see all the crowd on the dance floor when its through  
Baby go so lets go show, like you never ever did before  
Let's do this, let me hear you say more, more, more

Start, start, start the party  
Come on, come on everyone  
Let's start, start, start the party  
What you waiting for now?  
Start, start, start the party  
Come on, come on, live it up  
Let's start, start, start the party  
I know you never gonna wanna stop

Let the music take us  
Everytime, just close our eyes  
Feel the grove, wanna shake us  
Everywhere, and everybody, turn it up and start the party

We got it rolling, never slowing down  
Lights, camera, action, start the party now  
I know your ready there's no need to wait  
Now's the time for us to celebrate

Start, start the party (Let's do it)  
Start, start the party (Everybody now)  
Start, start the party (Let's get to it)  
Start, start the party

Start, start, start the party  
Come on, come on everyone  
Let's start, start, start the party  
What you waiting for now?  
Start, start, start the party  
Come on, come on, live it up  
Let's start, start, start the party  
I know you never gonna wanna stop

Start, start, start the party  
Come on, come on everyone  
Let's start, start, start the party  
What you waiting for now?  
Start, start, start the party  
Come on, come on, live it up  
Let's start, start, start the party  
I know you never gonna wanna, come now let me hear you holler, put your hands up your never gonna stop

Jacob: Ooooh! Party! Can we come?

Emmett: Sure! The more the merrier!

Wolves: Huzzah!!!!

A/N Finally! The 3rd chapter is up! Hope you like it peoples! Please read and review! Cus if you don't, I shall send Jasper to eat you! Jasper: *bored* Rawr whatever.


	4. Chapter 4

The Cullen Cats

Chappie 4: Esme's Wrath

A/N Okay so I'm going to Hawaii for a week so during that time you will have to be patient unfortunately. As soon as I get back, I shall post some new chapters for you guys! Oh and I might just have a new story for everyone! It will be called Song of Your Heart. However, I won't start on that one till I'm back from Hawaii okay. Please bear with me. So anyhow, I know you guys will love this chapter! By the way, there won't be 9 chapters. Only 8. Sorry!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight mm'kay. Emmett: I love yogurt! Me: I thought you weren't sugar high anymore. Emmett: I'm not. I just REALLY love yogurt! Me: Okay….umm….whatever.

(after the party…dun dun dun)

Edward: Damn, it looks like a tornado came through here.

Alice: Oh no! Esme is gonna be really mad! *starts crying*

Me: Haha. Wimp!

Jasper: Go away.

Me: Man, you guys are mean! *runs off to go flirt with a cute emo dude named Shaun*

Rosalie: Oooh! You are in sooo much trouble!

Emmett: Run! Hide! *hides in a random closet*

Esme: We're home!

Alice: NO!!!!

Esme: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOUSE???!!!! *looks VERY pissed*

Carlisle: Dude! What up with our pad?

Bella and Edward: We didn't do it!

Jasper: Well, um, uh, you see, well, er, Alice kinda had a party. *nervous*

Esme: Oh no she didn't! ALICE!!!!!!!!!!

Alice: yes…

Esme: GET YOUR PIXIE ASS OVER HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are gonna have a little talk! Was anyone else involved?

Alice: Maybe Emmett…

Emmett: YOU TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!

Esme: Alice, Emmett, YOU TWO ARE GROUNDED!!!!!!!!

Carlisle: Am I grounded?

Esme: *sigh* No of course not dear.

Carlisle: Yay!

Esme: Alice, you've just lost all your credit cards for 6 months!

Alice: NO!!! I can't live without shopping!

Esme: Emmett, all your yogurt is officially in the trash!

Emmett: But, but, but...*starts crying*

Esme: And both of you shall be churning butter for a year!

Alice and Emmett: NO! JUST NOT THE BUTTER!!!!!!!

Esme: Now Carlisle, get Alice's credit cards and throw away Emmett's yogurt! I said NOW!  
Carlisle: *salutes Esme* Yes ma'am!

A/N Haha! I love it when Esme's mad! *giggles* Please read and review! Or else…. Jasper: I'm not eating anyone! Me: 10 bucks? Jasper: Hmm…Okay! Beware! I shall eat you all! Rawr! Me: *gives him $10* Jasper: Thank you. Me: No problemo. Jasper: Problemo is not a word. Me: It is now. *holds up a certificate of word approval* Jasper: *flips me off*


	5. Chapter 5

**Cullen Cats**

**Chappie 5: Wacky Wolves**

A/N Sorry I know I have been gone for a while (Hawaii rocked) so I will post 2 chapters today. Hopefully you guys will like this chapter because I recently had writers block trying to come up with something worthy of my readers. And please, do not, I repeat, do not attack me with evil flying chinchillas. I have chinchillafobia. Okay I maybe I don't but still.

**Disclaimer: **Umm…do I look like the super fabulous Stephanie Meyer. Edward: No. You're not fabulous enough. Me: Ugh, well! Then I shall unleash my crazy parakeet on you! Edward: *being attacked by a parakeet * No! Help me!

(Bella and Jacob on the phone…)

Jacob: Hey, wanna come over?

Bella: Hell yes! Anything to get away from here!

Jacob: Let me guess, a parakeet is attacking Edward again.

Bella: *gasp* How did you know?! Are werewolves telepathic?!

Jacob: No. Sasha told me.

Me: You're welcome.

Bella: Wait, if you're here, then who's writing the story?

Jacob: Yeah. I've always been confuzzled by that.

Me: 1) Confuzzled is not a word. 2) I'm on the phone! Duh! That is how I can type and chat with you 2 weirdos at the same time. Like duh!

Bella: We are not weird!

Me: *sarcastic* Suuure. *hangs up*

Jacob: *cricket*

(at La Push…)

Bella: Hi Jake!

Jacob: Sup.

Bella: Where is everyone?

Jacob: How should I know?

Bella: Because you have that awesome werewolf telepathicness.

Jacob: Oh, right. Yo guys! Get your furry butts over here!

Bella: Try this. *whistles* *wolves come running*

Quil: Yes sir! Oh hey Bella.

Seth: Hi Bella how's it going.

Bella: Hey guys! Hi Leah.

Leah: Whatever major loser.

Jacob: *sneaks up behind her* 'Ello pie-face! *smacks Leah with random pie*

Leah: *gasp* Oh no you didn't! *throws random pie that hits Seth instead*

Seth: NO! I'M BLIND!!

Quil: FOOD FIGHT!

Bella: *gets hit by a pie* EVERYBODY STOP!!!!! *wolves freeze* Don't make me get the crazy squirrel!

Quil: Just not…the parakeet….*all wolves except Jacob flee*

Jacob: Umm…..I'll just take you home…

Bella: Please do.

A/N Please tell me you guys like it! Jasper: I thought it was stupid. Me: Remember the parakeet. Jasper: *screams* Me: Please review people! I need at least 5 reviews or else I won't write the super funny bonus chapter. Which is the next one. Let us just say it's about James, Laurent, and Victoria. Remember, review! Or else I shall unleash the parakeet.


	6. Chapter 6

The Cullen Cats

Chapter 6: That's What She Said

**Disclaimer: **Me no own = you no sue

**A/N **OMG I am sooo sorry! I know I know, I promised to update every day, but life has gotten kinda hectic for me, ya know. Tons of drama. However, anyways, I apologize for the super long delay. Plus I had serious writers block. Please do not be mad at me my wonderful readers! Yay this is that special chapter I promised you guys!

Victoria: Guess what!

Laurent and James: What?

Victoria: *squealing* I've started a new hobby!

James: Oh no, not again! You know what happened last time!

Laurent: What is it this time?

Victoria: It's…..KNITTING!!!!

Laurent: Umm…Victoria?

Victoria: Yeah…

Laurent: You do realize that we like don't have hands. Or opposable thumbs. Right?

Victoria: We don't?! *shocked*

Laurent: *sighs* No, we don't.

James: That's what she said.

Laurent: WTF

James: That's what she said.

Victoria: Who's this _she _you speak of?

James: *grinning* That's what she said.

Laurent: *furious* WHO THE HELL IS SHE???!!!

James: That's what she said.

Laurent: THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU AND YOUR STUPIDITY! *kills James*

Victoria: NOO!!! JAMES!!!! *kills Laurent*

*Jacob randomly appears*

Jacob: VAMPIRE!!!!! *kills Victoria*

**A/N **And that, my friends, is how James, Laurent, and Victoria _really _died. LOL hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Oh, and for all Caius fans, I've recently written a story called Secret Longing. It shows the gentle, loving side of Caius.


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